A couple going through premarital counseling once asked if they could change the wedding vows to read, “As long as we both shall love.” “As long as we both shall live” sounded morbid and unromantic to them. Their shallow request prompted a much-needed lesson from the minister about what God intended marital love to be.
Biblical love is more than warm feelings. Couples usually start dating because they are physically attracted to one another and the chemistry flows between them. That’s infatuation. But romantic feelings are temporary. Those who measure love primarily by feelings are headed for inevitable disappointment. Feelings fluctuate, and romance fades as surely as blossoms fall from a tree. If our understanding of love stops at feelings, we are likely to spend a lifetime trying to reignite an old spark or wondering if we married the wrong person. Even worse, we may flit from one relationship to another because the chemistry just isn’t right anymore.
Be assured, romance always wanes. Eventually we discover that our partner has some annoying habits and selfish tendencies that turn us off. Unless a couple understands that mature love includes frequent tolerance and endures occasional monotony, they are inclined to break it off, concluding, “Sorry, but we’ve lost that lovin’ feelin’.”
Biblical love is also more than physical intimacy. The world often defines sex as “making love,” as though love is manufactured through physical bonding. God gave us a wonderful gift in marital intimacy. He designed sex for procreation, for pleasure, and for the bonding of husband and wife together. Indeed, “the two become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). Intimacy expresses love and can deepen love, but sex alone does not produce love. It can create carnal desire, but once that selfish desire is satisfied, genuine affection does not necessarily follow.
I remember football coaches passing out oranges to players at halftime. I saw guys squeeze the orange and guzzle the juice until the pulp was dry, then toss the peel in the garbage and mutter, “I love oranges.” What they really meant was, “Oranges do something for me!” I’ve also seen people conclude they love someone primarily because that individual does something exciting for them. But when the physical satisfaction is over, the person is cavalierly discarded in favor of another who seems to have more to offer.
Sex outside God’s will may result in hatred rather than a more intense love. In the biblical account of Amnon and Tamar (2 Samuel 13), Amnon’s intense desire for his half-sister abruptly turned into “intense hatred” after he raped her. Scripture tells us that he hated her even more than he had previously loved her.
What the Bible calls agape love is a commitment to put the interests of another ahead of self, regardless of feelings. Jesus is the supreme example. He chose to sacrifice His life for us even though He did not feel like doing it. In Gethsemane He prayed, “Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me” (Matthew 26:39). Suffering on a cross for six hours was not what He felt like doing. The prospect of crucifixion did not bring Him joy in the moment. Yet Jesus said, “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:13).
The Bible teaches us to think with the mind of Christ: “…having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others” (Philippians 2:2–4). The best synonym for love may be unselfish.
When we consistently put the interests of others ahead of our own, a strange thing happens—feelings of love begin to well up within us. Almost every mother of an infant is overwhelmed with deep affection for her child. That baby has done nothing for her but bring discomfort, pain, exhaustion, and demanding interruptions to her life. Yet she feels incredible love because she has given so much of herself to that child.
Two older husbands whose wives have battled dementia in recent months once told me, “I can’t explain it, but as I’ve cared for my wife, my love for her has intensified.” The infatuation may be gone, and physical intimacy may not be what it once was, but there is a deeper blending of soul to soul. When we lovingly choose to put the interests of another above our own, our feelings often follow. That is the love that understands God’s promise: “Love never fails.”
Ask couples who have celebrated a golden anniversary what kept them together. Rarely will you hear, “My heart still skips a beat every time he or she walks into the room.” Instead, you’ll hear about unselfishness, commitment, forgiveness, perseverance, patience, and a mature love that endured long after infatuation faded.
As Valentine’s Day approaches, read through the apostle Paul’s classic description of love in 1 Corinthians 13 and notice how few of its qualities are rooted in feeling and how many are the result of intentional acts of the will:
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
That is why I prefer couples exchange the traditional wedding vows. While those vows are not found in Scripture, they reflect biblical values and have stood the test of time. It recognizes that marital love requires commitment beyond emotion and affirms a covenant meant to last a lifetime. “For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish… as long as we both shall live.”
Bob Russell is Retired Senior Minister at Southeast Christian Church in Louisville, KY.