You just can’t beat him.  I would like to think that at some point I could have a story to top any of his.  But I can’t. 

       The only time that I can remember walking on water was when it was three degrees and Lake Ray Hubbard was frozen over.  I was doin’ pretty good till I started hearing the cracks and taking notice of them emanating from my feet.  So I slowly moved back to shore 30 feet away.  Can’t do the water walkin’ thang.

       The only time that I came close to healing the blind was when I took myself to the optometrist.  I determined that I needed glasses right after having two (count ‘em…two) separate ‘come to Jesus’ meetings with my new car and farm animals… on the same night.   It was midnight when some bovine (Elsie, I guess) made its presence known and, ultimately, felt.  I forced the car into a spin and really walloped him (her/it) with the right rear fender.  She just mooed off into the woods like nothing happened.  Eventually the Sheriff arrives and said I should have watched what was comin’.  (I told him that I didn’t realize that animal rights had evolved to the point of them having the right of way.  He didn’t like that).  Soooo, I got in my new car (with a new big crinkled right side) and took off again.  Twenty miles later Roy Rogers left the gate to the corral open and out comes Trigger into the highway.  Again, I turned the car into a spin this time exposing the left side to a good clobbering.  It took some explaining to convince people at church that the wrinkles happened as a result of loose farm animals and not the result loose livin’ at some bar fight (which looked like I lost).  The Optometrist said I needed glasses…bad.  So much for healing blindness.

      The only time I came close to feeding 5000 people was at two of my sons weddings (I claim 4 boys).  You know how it is….you’re responsible for the rehearsal supper.  (I could swear that there were only 12 people in the wedding party… but… somehow… we had to have food for 75. Go figure).  I told the wife (affectionately known as “Lookie-Here-Woman”) she needed to get some help cuz I was too busy with other parts of the wedding to help in the kitchen.  WRONG WORDS.  When I came to… I found I actually enjoyed making 25 pounds of potato salad, BBQ 16 briskets, heat up 20 pounds of beans, peel 30 pounds of peaches for cobbler (with 5 gallons of ice cream) and brew up 25 gallons of tea.   So much for my miraculous feeding of the multitudes.

       Jesus was able to teach thousands as he held them in rapt attention.  Man I wish.  Usually when I get up to preach you can see ‘em ‘settling in.’  I’ve tried telling jokes (all my jokes are groaners).  I’ve tried singin’ (when I sing it makes them shut their eyes that much harder).  I have even tried using a gun, POW (it woke them up real good till they found out that it was just blanks …then… they just went back into their settled selves relieved that it wasn’t a hold-up for a bigger offering).

       Jesus could walk on water, heal the blind, feed 5000, teach thousands.  But there is one thing I can do that Jesus has not.  One thing that I will have mastered even though I have yet to start my first lesson and He is willing to help me ‘un-master’.  … Staying in the grave. 

      Jesus…what a guy… you just can’t beat him.


                        Roy Platt preaches for the Jennings Church of Christ in Jennings, LA.