Ring…….Ring…..Ring. “Honey would you get that durned phone?!?” Ring…. “Ah, never mind I’ll get it myself. Danged telemarketers. Always interruptin’ somethin’. I’ll give’m somethin’”. Ring…. “Hold on you impatient whatever I’m comin. HELLO, for crying out loud!! This is who?? The Lord?!?! Look, I ain’t got no time for no prank calls. You’ve got just two secs to identify your company or there’s gonna be a monster click in your ear. Oh, really!! And I’m just stupid enough to believe that!!?? Ok, Mr. Know-it-all Lord phony, what did I have for lunch yesterday? How’d you know that?
No, you don’t know everything about me. I know a lot of people who eat jalepeno donuts with ice cream and ketchup for lunch. That ain’t nuthin. OK, well, here’s one I know you’ll never get. How much money did I take out of mama’s purse when I was 6?? Holy Cow!! What were the coins?!?? Saints of Heaven. Who did my homework to fool mama in the 4th grade??? Well….Mr. Lord…(cough) it is so nice for you to give us a call. To what do I owe the privilege.
About 6 months ago. Well….we haven’t been goin…cause…uh…well the price of gas has really gone up and….yeah, I know it’s only a mile to church…yes sir my tank is full, but you see…no, I’ve never run out of gas on the way to church… but. Well, I told the wife we needed to start goin last week cause it was the right thing to do and as soon as I get over….. what’s that? … get over it?….Ok Lord, we’ll be there this next Sunday. But you’ve got to understand Lord about that preacher he’s…what’s that…your messenger??…and your gonna give him a call too? Well I appreciate that Lord cuz sometimes he hits a little too close to home and I don’t appreciate…What’s that??…Lord are you sure you wanted him to say those things??…yes sir…yes sir…
Well I was commenting last week to the wife how I appreciate his messages. What’s that?? Oh, we earned about $54,000 last year. Why? Well, we gave just under $200… but…but…that was 50% better than the year before!! Yes sir…Yes sir… it needs to be more??? TEN PERCENT!!! But Lord how will we eat??? …5’6” …250 lbs. No, I’ve never been hungry.
No, you’ve never forgotten me and I promise from now on I won’t forget you. OK…I’ll make sure we take the check book to church from now on. What’s that?? When was the last time I what??? Prayed?? Well, um…uh…I can’t remem…You’ve been waiting to hear from me?? Well, Lord…hum…it’s been awful busy and my knees really start hurtin late in the day and…what’s that?? Pray in the mornin’s??? Yes sir. Yes sir. What’s that?…my soul is more valuable than my knees…
Yes sir. I’ll make sure you hear from me. What Bible?? Ooohhh… that Bible. Well, I was just about to pull it out and read my favorite scripture just right before you called. Sure, I’ve got it memorized. Really?? You want to hear it?? Ok… give me a sec. “For God so flooded the world that Noah gave his sons to build a zoo in Jerusalem for all the inhabitants, therefore…” What’s that??? Well no, I haven’t read it for a while. Yes sir. Start in Genesis??? UUHH…Where’s that??? Oh yeah, I knew that. I’ll start just right after we hang up.
Ok Lord, you’ll see me there this Sunday, I’ll pay attention, I’ll make sure the check book goes, I’ll start in Genesis, and you will be hearing from me in the mornins’. Well, I appreciate you callin’. Call back anytime. And we love you too. Bye Bye.
Whew. I can’t believe that. Honey!! Honey!! Is there a way to check to see if we were charged minutes on that last call??!!”